
February 2020
What’s your advice for a
successful relationship?

Cristina Cabeza-Kinney and Adam Kinney
Adam: We've been really fortunate to share a value system, so we end up fighting for the same things. Usually for us, that's our kids, our family, our health and well-being.
Cristina: Scripted!
Adam: Well, I thought about it. Did you think about it?
Cristina: My gut response is that our sense of humor and being able to laugh has made us really strong, not to taking ourselves too seriously. When things get really hard and a lot of pressure, we remember to find the humor in it. Not taking each other too personally has helped us get through a lot of things that were hard to get through.
Adam: I also make it a point to never stop telling her how beautiful she is.
Cristina: And appreciating the small things and doing small things for each other, like once in a while packing a lunch or once in a while, I'll cook dinner tonight, after you've cooked 5 dinners in a row! Just taking some load off of each other sometimes.
Adam: It's all very ironic.
Cristina: Because you cook? I know. You can put that in there!

Christine Canaly and Mark Jacobi
Christine: Friendship. Both of us have always valued friendship. We still carry on relationships from our past and love cultivating new friends. We've maintained autonomy and each have our own lives, so there's always something to share when we’re together. We both lost our dads around the age of 20, making us feel like, “Wow, you're on your own,” and that bonded us when we discovered that about each other. Then we found out, and this is really bizarre, our dads were born on the same day, which was really funny! We didn't even realize that right away because neither one of us keep track of that kind of stuff. But it's really weird how, through time, there's these binders of love and understanding that have to do with experience. The beauty of long term relationships is having those experiences you've cultivated through time and being able to share that. It's been 36 years (most of my life!) and what a wonderful person to ride the journey with!
Mark: The secret is to let her speak! I couldn't help it. Sorry! I just really enjoy being with her. I enjoy her perspective. It's enough different than mine to be interesting and challenging in a good way. And being understanding of what the other is going through, and rolling with those, means a lot. Everybody's got their limits and people put their foot down over time, but by and large, it's a nice wavelength that's been going on since we met. I enjoy the variations off of that middle and I enjoy the middle of it. I love the continuity and the consistency and the strength of our bond and I like that there's surprises, too. We both handle the surprises well. It can be foreign or invasive, but I think we’re both mature enough to understand life is a bigger deal than a preconception. And we check in with each other. It's interesting right now. Her mom is taking up a lot of her time and we're not staying in the same house at night, which is different. It always kind of concerned me before it happened, and now that it's happening, I can handle it, am assured of the fact she still loves me and just the circumstances are odd for now, but it’s temporary. We've dealt with all kinds of stuff through time. My mom always used to say, "When you're in a relationship, you want your partner to be happy, and that's important to you that they are." That's what helps me construct how I behave.


Carol and Nick Nichols
Carol: We have similar interests, such as finding homes for homeless animals. We like birding. Birding is fun. We jump in the car and go see how many bald eagles we can find. You need passions for something you both share. If you don't, you're going to be going in different directions. And being kind to each other. I never felt like, if I was sick, Nick would not take care of me. I had a chance this year to help him. He had cancer surgery, and he's cancer free! But I had a job of being his nurse. Taking care of each other is important.
Nick: Part of it is always being respectful to the other person, and she's always right no matter what! And if you believe that... But basically being polite to each other. I've known couples that constantly bicker back and forth, and if you're polite to each other, that really helps a lot. You don't get angry with each other all the time.
Carol: He doesn't think about those things, but he's very kind. It was something I liked about him when we first met at work. He was respectful of his mother and sister, and liked them both a lot. And I thought, "That's the one I want." If they don't like women, you're not going to have a good marriage! Sometimes you pick a person because you like the way they look or act. And that's it! It's an act. You can't live with that image. You've got to be real with each other. And we both like animals together.
Nick: Yes. In fact, that's where we're headed this afternoon. We heard there are over 20 bald eagles south of Alamosa..

Judy Gilbert and Bill Sutherland
Bill: One wears a powerful magnet. The other wears a lot of iron!
Judy: Don't listen to him! But I do think our ability to make each other laugh is important. I joke the secret to a strong relationship is to get your first marriage over-with, choosing more wisely the second time, learning from experience and determined to do a better job!
Bill: I think we were wise and there was something good about our first choices, but people evolve, things change and you have to co-evolve. In our first marriages, we were both twenty when we married, were married for 17 years and had our children that way. We just diverged differently and it was time we learned where we’d gone wrong.
Judy: I met Bill when I was 40. He was 41. And now, almost 40 years later…
Bill: Here we are!
Judy: Learning to really listen to each other, realizing it's better modifying your own behavior than trying to change someone else’s. Becoming a better version of yourself makes you a better partner.
Bill: At the beginning, you have to size up the other person ensuring there's no real incompatible elements and thinking, "Oh, I love her so much, I can change her."
Judy: And when you have a big problem, don't go away and sulk about it. Talk about it!
Bill: I was good for the “big silence” early on. Something would happen and I'd disappear, clam up. It's much better to talk! We've had a good approach to money. We both contribute to our joint expenses. I, a little more, because I eat a lot. I do everything bigger than her! Money distorts a lot of relationships. If you have a lot, that's wonderful, but often it’s one person having a lot and the other not much. In our case, it’s nearly the same.
Judy: Equitable is the word. You’re each making a contribution, but also have your own money, which nearly eliminates financial arguments. Money isn't a romantic topic, but it is. And addressing challenges as a team. My older son had a long illness and died in September. Bill was so prominent in helping both him and me.
Bill: Both compliment and complement. The one with the 'i', telling your partner they're cool. And helping them, complement what they're doing.
Judy: Bill compliments me almost every day in some heartfelt way, and I try to reciprocate.
Bill: It's harder for you!
Audrey McDowall and Michael Pacheco
Michael: First, be happy with yourself as an individual and don’t look to another person to make you happy. The key to our healthy relationship is that we both came into this like, "OK, I'm alright and happy," and we complement each other and make the other happier instead of looking for fulfillment in that other person.
Audrey: I agree, and another piece is communication and trust. We talk to each other when things are going well and when something needs to be fixed. We're still learning how because it's only been a few years, but we get better at it every time. And we trust each other to be honest, like, "Hey, something's wrong," or "I need to talk," or "I need you there for me," or whatever it is.
Michael: We also have similar life goals. We’re obviously both teachers, but we both love exploring different things. We have our hobbies and although we don't share the same hobbies, we can admire the other for theirs. She's super into making dresses and writing - something I know nothing about - but I respect her process, admiring the work she does. And with my hexacopters and electronics, I can come to her excited about something I built that she’s unfamiliar with, and she appreciates my efforts.
Audrey: We also share the same values, the importance of family and a good home. Because of that, it's easier for us to agree on big things, like wedding planning!
Michael: I've had relationships where we don't have the same religious beliefs, which are important. When something major happens, we already share this philosophy and don't have to overcome that to cope.
Audrey: None of this is groundbreaking but it's held true. My parents have been together 30 years and told me they choose every day to love each other, even when they're tired or sick or upset. They choose to prioritize love more than temporary anger, focusing on the long goal - their lives together - and not just, "Today, I'm upset! And let me tell you why..."